Tenketsu Breakout!
by LoyaltyAboveAll
Summary: [HIATUS] Naruto is assulted by Neiji after being caught fooling around with Hinata. Better summary inside, plot likely to change. First story.
1. Strange Encounters of the Normal Kind

**Tenketsu Breakout!**

**Old summary:**

**Naruto is assaulted by Neji after fooling around with Hinata. Now that his chances with Hinata are blown, He figures he'll go after someone else, but who? And it seems that Neji's attack didn't just block his tenketsu, they clogged up his pores! Will Naruto ever have a social life again?**

**New Summary:**

**Naruto is assaulted by Neji after fooling around with Hinata. Now that his chances with Hinata seem gone, he and others embark on various missions to gain their love's attention while causing as much madness as possible. Tentative pairings I've worked out so far: Naru/Hina, Tem/Shika, Gaa/Ino or Kank/Ino, Lee/Tenten/Neji. More to come and open for suggestions.**

**A/N: I hope you like the first chapter of my first story. I know it is short and I hate short chapters, but I'm not sure what the reaction to this will be and I don't want to commit myself to something people are going to hate (I'm not just writing because it makes ME happy, that would be selfish :) ). Please review and tell me if you want me to continue, I tried to contain myself with the Naru/Hina scenes and swearing, but If you want this bumped up to M or an M version I will gladly consider it. Also, please tell me if my humor goes over the line. I may not change it, but I'll listen and try to reply. Again, please review. I will not beg for them, but I do desperately need feedback. Flames are accepted, for after all, wasn't fire supposed to be mankind's greatest invention besides that round thingy everyone talks about? Lol, enjoy.**

**Note: Characters may be OOC.**

**Disclaimer: That figment of my imagination known as Naruto to you beings does not "belong" to me as the principle of ownership is irrelevant to the threads of false reality. If we insist on using common terms however, the genius Masashi Kishimoto owns Naruto. However I doubt he could read this disclaimer which makes it pointless. Enjoy!**

Bump! Soft thudding sounds could be heard up and down the vacant hallway. Inside a closet midway down its length, two teens were having quite the time. "Oh Naruto…" Hinata moaned as they broke for a moment's breath. "I love you so much Naruto, I always have." Naruto grunted softly at this and came forward to kiss her again, letting his hands drop down a bit from her waist. He wasn't quite sure if he loved Hinata or not, but this was making her happy and him **_very_** happy, so he saw no point in complicating things.

"Oh!" Hinata gasped as she felt where Naruto's hands had gone to, "N-naruto-kun! N-not so fast!" She didn't really want him to stop, but for shy, self-conscious Hinata just being completely alone with a boy was a new experience, and it slightly scared her. Although it WAS exhilarating to finally be intimate with her precious Naruto-kun.

Naruto moved his hands back up to her waist and instead started to rock into her, gently at first, then faster and a bit harder when he could tell Hinata was enjoying it.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered into his mouth.

All this activity inside the closet had started to make quite a bit of noise, and Hyuuga Neji who was laid up in his room and suffering from a severe migraine from overuse of his Byakugan, was painfully sensitive to noise at this time. "Ugh" he groaned. "What in the name of my sweet and adorable cousin is going on out there!" **A/N: I decided to make Neji and Hiashi simply over-protective instead of just being assholes. Not that I'm a Neiji hater, it's just I didn't like him before I knew his back-story and after hearing it I respect him, but still am not a big fan. (I give credit to juliagulia1017 for this idea).** He buried his head under the spandex-green blankets he'd received from Lee (_Damn him and his "springtime of youth". Once I find the old sheets he stole I'm going to shove these stupid things up his-_) but they seemed to have no effect on his agonizing ability to detect noise. He groaned again as he decided to get up and investigate. He threw on the lounging pants and shirt Tenten had given him for his birthday and briefly wondered why she had gotten him something so **_tight,_** it clung to every part of him almost as badly as Lee's gift, and Tenten **_insisted_** he wear it whenever she was around. _Strange girl…_ he thought as he neared the door that seemed to be the source of his head pain. _Maybe I should get her something so she'll stop bothering me. I know! How about one of that old Jiraiya's new "pleasure sticks" that he co-released with the new Icha Icha! It's supposed to make girls really happy, although I don't quite understand how…_ He cleared his head as he yanked the door open and saw something he never thought could possibly happen. Something so unexplainably wrong, he could hardly speak, yet he obviously did or else the next line would not exist. "Lee! What in the name of my sweet and adorable cousin are you doing in my closet with Kankurou's puppet!" Lee was shaking and seemed quite scared. "Neji-san my youthful friend! It is horrible, I saw Kankurou doing unyouthful things in his room with this puppet and was inspired by the springtime of youth to snatch away the unyouthful object so that Kankurou-san could redeem himself and reclaim his youth, but Kankurou-san saw me take it and vowed he would drink my blood by the light of the full moon! Now I am fleeing from him **_and_** Kakashi, and Shino, and Chouji, and Ino, and…. and…" at this point Lee collapsed into tears. "You must help me my youthful friend! I am a hunted being and I seek shelter with you from all those who would condemn my youth! Please!"

Lee looked desperate and as Neji looked around him he saw a pile of objects including bags of chips, an Icha Icha novel, a thick sketch pad and camera, and strangely enough, some very stylish lingerie. "Um… Ok Lee, I'll help you out later but can you either leave me alone or get out of my closet? My head aches and your whimpering and banging isn't making it better." Lee looked up from rocking back and forth in the fetal position to raise a thick eyebrow at Neji. "But my youthful friend, in my fright I have not moved, it is the closet down the hall which is producing those most strange noises." Neji was feeling much worse and very irritable due to Lee's peculiar dialect and this strange conversation they were having and so decided to quickly and decisively end the confusion.

"JUST GET OUT OF MY HOUSE NOW YOU CRAZY YOUTHFUL BASTARD!"

Lee immediately ran out of the closet, taking his confiscated "unyouthful" items with him. Unbeknownst to Neji, he merely hid himself again in a closet around the corner.

_Now,_ Neji thought as he approached the next door. _What in The name of my sweet and adorable cousin is going on in these damned closets?_

While this was happening Naruto and Hinata were getting along quite nicely. That is, Naruto was down to his boxers, and Hinata was likewise in underwear and growing ever bolder. In short, hands were going places, tongues were wrestling, and a certain girl was getting major OOC. A small look into their heads:

Naruto:_ Oh god I changed my mind, I LOVE you Hinata. The Ero-Sennin was right, it feels so unbelievably _**good**_ to be this way with a girl. Right on Ero-Senin, I'll never doubt you again!_

Hinata: _I'm ready, I've waited so long for this moment and now we're together and alone. Naruto-kun, Let us make love for one whole month!_

**A/N: Caught you with a Eurotrip quote :P.**

Just as it seemed that the two shinobi destined by fate and obsessed fans to become a couple were about to lose all control, the door swung open and an unexplainable silence permeated every corner of the world except Shikamaru's (far too troublesome)….

**A/N: Thus ends my first chapter of first story. As I said before, if you review, changes can be made. Flame me, but try to tell me what you hate, not just exact details of where I can shove this story. Also, I may use quotes and such from other sources and stories, but I try to give them credit. If you find something unreferenced, please report it to me. So Long and thanks for all the Fish! (Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy).**


	2. Begginning of the End of the Beggining

**Chapter 2: Beginning of the End of the Beginning**

**A/N: I would like to thank those who have reviewed…oh forget it, I've only gotten one review so far and I am ecstatic about it. It may have just said I spelled Neji's name wrong (sorry about that, always thought that _was_ the right way), but I will always cherish it for being my first review. I have little else to say about this chapter except not to take anything too seriously, I'm not trying to offend/bash anyone, just to make people laugh. If I do offend you, well then flame me and give me something to keep me warm on long winter nights. The sad part is it's not winter anymore (I hate summer, I'm an ice gnome). Thanks to all 50 or so people who have read my story so far, even though you left no reviews, you made a warm spot in my heart for reading. Whoops, that was internal bleeding… Enjoy the story!**

**Special thanks to** Torakage**, my first reviewer. Thank you for telling me what you think of my story. Even if it _was_ just a typo, lol.**

**Thanks also to **stellena10102**, I'm glad to know I'm just strange enough to be on your alert list.**

**Disclaimer: Naruto and all non-original named characters I portray in this story belong to Masashi Kishimoto. Now if someone tries to sue me I get to sue them for hurting my feelings :P. **

The silence seemed to last hours but it was really only seconds before…I'm lying, it WAS hours. Hinata was stunned out of her momentary OOC and was once again so timid she hardly dared to breathe, Naruto was clinging desperately to the notion that if he didn't move Neji wouldn't see him and therefore NOT kick his ass all the way to Sunagakure, and Neji was simply convinced that what he was seeing was a figment of his imagination, or that he had somehow gotten high off of migraine meds. _After all,_ He figured, _Hinata could never even get a date, how in the hell could she and someone else suddenly be making out in my closet._ He smiled at this thought, reassured that his sweet and adorable cousin was probably safely playing "dress up" in her room, and softly closed the door. Leaving the two inside extremely confused and very faint since consumption of oxygen had been low on the "Super-Duper List of Things That Keep You Alive" compared to avoiding complete and utter destruction by your over-protective cousin/over-protective-girlfriend's-cousin on the "List of Super-Duper Bad Things That Cause Your Death".

Neji was still smiling serenely, walking back to his room, and feeling well-disposed towards the world in general when he was hit by a thought that shattered his entire sense of being. _That person I imagined Hinata with… that was Naruto…but that can't be! Everyone knows that Naruto and Sasuke are gay lovers! Oh by the Downfall of the Main House, I didn't imagine that!_ He rushed into the bathroom and did a quick urine drug test. _And I'm not high! This means……… _

"**_Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!"_**

Neji's migraine dissolved as he rushed at speed that should have propelled him around the world several times yet really he took quite a while rushing down the hall and yelling at that incredible speed. Just to build up some dramatic tension ya'know.

He was angry, he was furious, he was every possible synonym of pissed-off you can think of. And he was ready to open up a can of Premium Blend Grade-A Pure Hyuuga Whoopass on that evil bastard who was doing **_things_** with his sweet and adorable cousin. Naruto would surely come out of this looking not-quite-so-sweet-and-adorable as he had started.

This time he didn't bother opening the door, he merely disintegrated it with all the pissed-off charka that was building inside him. This was a most cruel turn of fate as Naruto and Hinata had started again and were farther along then before, therefore enraging Neji to new levels of power previously thought to be attainable only by gods. And that poor door was just starting to enjoy its pitiful existence to…

"**Prepare to die a thousand deaths you evil gay bastard!"**

Naruto lifted his head up from its previous position between Hinata's you-can-guess-what's. _Why does everyone always think me and Sasuke are gay! Maybe there are some kind of stories on a thing called a "website" in an alternate dimension that's making people think that! No, that would be stupid…if I even existed in an alternate reality I would probably be on some stupid censored American TV show where a puritanical version of my life is told and I'm voiced by some pre-pubescent little punk who sounds like he's choking on a cactus. Yeah, totally lame…_

Despite all the activity in his head, he only managed 1.98 sentences before his earlier fear came true. You know, the one involving his ass and it being kicked all the way to Sunagakure.

"Nani, dattebayo? But Neji, I'm not ga-"

"**Jyuuken Move, Hakke Rokujuuyooshou!"**

Naruto immediately shut up, helped somewhat by the first of sixty-four rapid hits that were going to make the next few seconds of his life a valid entry for the Konoha Book of World Records "Most Condensed Pain" section.

"Two strikes!" Naruto jerked a bit.

"Four strikes!" Hinata covered her eyes.

"Eight strikes!" Neji was getting bored.

"Sixteen strikes!" Somewhere in the world, a three-legged clown danced.

_Screw it._ "SIXTY FOUR STRIKES!"

Again, silence prevailed. When Hinata uncovered her tearing eyes to see what had become of her love the only sign of him was a rather large and remarkably Naruto-shaped hole in the ceiling.

She cowered in a corner and looked at her cousin with an expression of deep fear. "N-n-Neji-nii-san, wh-wh-what h-happened to Naruto-kun?"

Neji gazed down at her with an uncharacteristically annoying and happy smile. "No need to worry about that hentai dobe, I kicked his ass all the way to Sunagakure, so you'll **_never_** see him again. Fantastic, isn't it?"

Hinata wailed with all the sorrow and pain of a midget elephant (kind of), "Bu-but why N-Neji-nii-san?"

Neji rubbed his chin in thought, "Well partly because he was molesting my sweetest and most adorable cousin, partly because I've never really liked him, and partly as a means of psychological warfare against those Suna losers. Although considering how messed up they are they might actually like him, which means I really just helped the enemy, which means I'm a traitor…" At this point he clutched his head in pain and fell to the floor. "Oh damn it all… I'll take a nap first and I'll hang myself for being a traitor later. And with that last comment he tucked his hair between his legs, turned around three times, and went to sleep with a cuteness that would make every Neji fangirl rape him on the spot.

"Naruto-kun…" Hinata whispered as she stared at the hole he had made (to be precise she was looking at a large part of the hole located between the spread-eagled legs). "Why does the world have to be so cruel to me and my precious Naruto-kun!" she now yelled.

"Because you touch yourself at night." Said a mysterious middle-aged man with a fat cigar and a shabby-looking 30's style trench coat with equally shabby hat.

"NANI?" Hinata screamed in shock of the sudden appearance of the man, the fact that he was speaking English (although **_what_** he said in English was irrelevant since she obviously didn't speak any English), and the small point that she was still in her underwear. **A/N: C'mon guys, you think I would seriously have someone say something like that to Hinata and have her understand it? The world's sweetest and most adorable cousin?**

The man looked at her in almost as much surprise as she had shown him. "Oh, sorry kid… wrong birthday party." He bent over and started talking to his watch. "Charlie... oh, Jim? Yeah, we messed up again, pick me up at the corner of…" He looked around briefly, "32nd and 23rd Street. Ok, chit chat and all that, cheerio." After straightening he stuck his thumb in the air and was absorbed into a giant tophat floating overhead, possibly to be seen again.

And so Hinata, after getting together with the love of her life, seeing the love of her life propelled by her cousin through a roof into a foreign country, and a strange man speaking a language slightly resembling the sounds made by a drunken man learning to speak horse, did the one and only thing you can do in a situation like that. She turned around three times, curled up on top of Neji, and dreamt sweet dreams about her and her Naruto-kun (of course they were in a pool of strawberry ice cream with sprinkles on top).

Far away in Sunagakure, Naruto was laying stripped in the middle of a playground where schoolchildren were poking him with sticks. Very sharp and pointy sticks with metal points, spears actually. This all fit in very well with the strange erotic fantasy Naruto was currently having.

"Yeah," He murmured, "dig in a little deeper Kyuubi baby, gimmee some claw action. Ah yes, that's the spot, now where did those midgets get to…"

Now Naruto had been laying face-down the entire time, and one of the schoolchildren decided it would be funny to poke him extra hard in the rear.

"AAAIIIIIIEEEEEEEE! Quit it Sasuke, I'm not gay I tell you! I'm nnnnnooooooooooooooooottttt!"

As soon as Naruto flipped over all of the schoolchildren dropped the spears they'd acquired and ran screaming as if they were goats and Señor Chupacabra himself was after them.

Naruto watched them run away in confusion. _Was it something I said? Ah kuso, I feel like I've died a thousand deaths…_

In any case, Naruto being the Naruto he is decided he didn't care and that he should go look for somewhere to eat. Conveniently enough, he found the Sunagakure branch of Ichiraku's Ramen almost immediately. Not very hard considering it was only about three meters away from him.

He eyed the target, ready to pounce. Tensing, He squatted for a moment then jumped with roughly 5/8ths of his might at the counter. "Ramen! Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen Ramen!" He swept his arms back, lowered his head, tucked in his legs, and prepared to dive bomb the seat he wanted.

Now normally **_any_** food stand owner would be frightened/thoroughly freaked-out by this display of unhealthy obsession. This however was a special case in which the owner was not frightened, but completely and utterly terrified of the mostly-naked monstrosity descending on his shop. He did the only smart yet idiotic thing to do in a situation like this, grab the cash box and run. This may seem like a brilliant and perfectly sane plan to some of you (which is what frightens me), you keep all your money and you also get to run screaming from a dive-bombing monstrosity which is actually a beloved anime character. Works out great, huh? Well there is one reason why this is NOT a brilliant and sane thing to do. That reason is: THE CASHBOX IS DAMN HEAVY! And so because the shopkeep decided ever so brilliantly to run away with the cashbox, he collapsed of a compact hernia and died after running approximately 10.003 meters away. On with the story.

_Hmmmmmm…… I wonder why everyone's so scared of me today…_ Thought Naruto.

"Maybe I smell or something? Yeah, that must be it dattebayo!"

He hopped the counter and stepped into the tiny bathroom the stand provided.

"Ok, lets get sexy old me looking sexier than ever for my glorious return to Konohagakure!"

"Now first we'll sexy up my hair…" At that moment Naruto looked in the mirror. His self-confidence would never be the same again…

"_**NAN DE!"**_

**A/N: More or less meaning "what the!"**

**A/N: Zoom zoom zoom! I've decided to make shorter chapters (around the length of this one) for the purpose of faster uploads. And I'll try not to hoard chapters either, I'll just keep 'em long enough to make sure they're reasonably error free so that your heads don't explode. So I hope you enjoyed another short installment of my strange and misshapen ideas, please R&R as it helps ease the pain of summer, and just have a good time in general. Wort wort wort… (From "There's Something about Halo", a short and hilarious flash video on newgrounds).**

**After Thought: Most of my uploads will probably be late at night, so I hope we've got some insomniacs in the house ;).**


	3. Gaara's Recruits

**Chapter 3: Gaara's Recruits**

**A/N: I'm sorry I didn't update this weekend, I've decided to take them off since I still have to do things like interact with others and pretend to study for my finals :) . It's hard for me to pump out a chapter a day (even if it's only about 1500 words) and I think I should just relax and search for new inspiration during the weekends so I don't screw up writing any worse than I already have. Other than that the only thing worth mention is that I merged the little proto-chapter I released over the weekend into this one with a few modifications and hopefully with fewer errors. Continued thanks to those who review and appreciation to all those who read but are ignorant of the "review" button (I'm new, but I think that 4 reviews in almost 500 views is a bit shabby). Enough of my complaining, enjoy!**

**Special Thanks to **Torakage** for his steady support and **Demon of Konoha** for his brilliant ideas and generosity in lending them to me. Thanks also to **Ivy-Romanticide** and **stellena10102 **for letting me know I'm just (insert adjective here) enough to be on their alert list. **

**Disclaimer: I am not Japanese however much I admire their culture. I am Greek, Portuguese, French (American to be short)… but sadly not Japanese. Therefore there is little point in trying to claim I am Masashi Kishimoto and own Naruto. I do not.**

Since we last left off with poor acnephobic Naruto alone and thoroughly un-sexy in the outskirts of Sunagakure, It is time to visit another angry resident of the sandy pants club.

His name is Sabaku no Gaara. He is not doing well. Let us journey into his head for an intro and see why this is. We could discover wonders within, learn what makes him the Gaara we know and love/hate/fear, possibly even uncover the meaning of life! But let's just take a look first.

_Those bastards._ Gaara raged as he paced back and forth in his office of sand which was currently floating 200 meters in the air by way of forgotten dreams of children, _They think they can walk all over me do they? Just waltz right in and monopolize after what they did to _**_ME_**_? Well I'll show them, the next killer-app will be mine! Then she'll come back to me! All I need is some additional muscle, some idiots to distract them with while I make the move of the century! Yessss………what I need………is a posse._

He ceased pacing and smiled. That smile we all love/hate/fear, the one that chills you to a point pretty close to the bone, the one that makes every obsessed fangirl within seeing distance and beyond swear he is "schmexy", the one that says I-am-Morphumax-the-Godliest-God-and-I-WILL-EAT-YOU. _**That**_ smile.

_Yesssss… and a posse is what I shall have. _

He straightened the tie he wore with his otherwise normal Gaara outfit during working hours and continued to display aforementioned smile. He strode out the door and onto the balcony with the same general attitude his smile expressed. The village hidden in the sand was spread out before him, and so soon would be the entire world. (Except those parts he chose to destroy for being to boring/uprising-prone for his taste of course).

_Sony Online Entertainment_**™®©**_……………….prepare to meet the Sand Man._

Naruto had been sobbing in the Sunagakure ramen stand for close to six hours now, joined only by an equally dejected Lee (Neji having finally expelled him from the Hyuuga Manor for good). It would seem that he had lost all reason for living if he couldn't be sexy enough to become Hokage or even get a date.

_Now I know why Sasuke went to Onkyougakure, they're all such ugly bastards that he probably seems like a love god to them._

**A/N: I don't know the Japanese name for the Village Hidden in the Sound, I'm guessing, and I've only seen up to about episode 90 so far so I don't know the specifics of Sasuke's betrayal and I don't want to know until I see it so please don't tell me about it. (I hate spoilers and only found out about Sasuke's betrayal by accident).**

"I'll never become Hokage, I'll never get laid, and I'm a disgrace to my Ero-Sennin!

I'm too ugly to even die!" Naruto wailed, cried, and violently took out the pent-up aggression of his inferiority complex on a hysterical Lee.

"The only path left for me is to become the lowest form of life there is…" he wiped his eyes, "I must become…" his eyes overflowed again, "An American Citizen!"

"Or you could just use this." Gaara had suddenly appeared and was holding a tube of acne scrub.

"Wh-what?" asked a confused Naruto. He had just been about to commit the worst crime in all of existence and damn his soul for all eternity, so where had Gaara come from?

Gaara sighed with annoyance. _Oh well, if I'm **looking **for idiots I guess that means I can't complain when I find them. Actually, I can, but just because I'm me._

"Right now you're ugly as my brother in the morning and almost half as annoying. If you use this then you will look better and hopefully stop whining."

Naruto narrowed his eyes at the tube. He bent a little closer and sniffed it, unsure whether it would bite him or not. He circled it warily, seeing if it would try to assert itself as the alpha-tube. Finally after several more minutes of rigorous inspection, he barked at it. This final part of Naruto's idiotic ritual snapped Gaara's patience, which is really not much of an accomplishment at all since it is A) extremely easy, and B) usually leads to the offending party's death.

"JUST USE THE FING THING AND STOP ACTING LIKE A DOG!"

Naruto looked up from licking the back of the tube and sprang to his feet. "Uhhhh, yeah, sure. Old habits…late nights with Kiba… sooo much marking…" Naruto's eyes glazed over in nostalgia, _ah, the things we urinated on…_ "Wait! I didn't mean that last part, honest!"

Gaara's eyes were twitching and he himself was dangerously close to resuming his own "old habits". "Just. Wash. Up. **_NOW!_**

After taking a deep breath he turned to Lee who was mimicking the behavior he had used with Neji. "You, come with me." Gaara turned and walked out with Lee cowering close behind, leaving Naruto to contemplate a whole new world of a thing called hygiene.

Gaara and Lee walked together in the dusk, the setting sun producing an annoyingly drama-reducing glare upon them.

"We have not known each other long."

"Uh, actually, we have."

"Really? Are you that ambassador from two years ago? I told you already, that was meant as a joke gift to celebrate your country's one-week anniversary. It was never meant to be opened and that plague was not in any way my fault."

"No."

"How do we know each other then?"

"Uh, well, you see, I kind of sorta may have kicked your ass a little in the Chuunin Exam preliminaries a few months ago."

An immediate and highly awkward silence followed. Lee was scared for his life and Gaara was thoroughly puzzled.

_Him? But I swear I fed **HIM** to the Shukaku after I beat him…So **that's** what happened _

_to my intern…_

"Well then," Said Gaara with a cheery smile "let's just say you killed my parents and we'll call it even."

"But I've never killed anything! It is a terrible crime to steal another's youth away!"

"Wave." Said Gaara.

Lee waved.

"Congratulations," Said Gaara with the same cheery smile as before. "You just brutally

murdered billions of bacteria and their entire families, crushed their homes, and

extinguished their youth forever."

Lee collapsed with tears in his eyes, clutching the hand he had waved with the other and

sobbed quietly.

"Come on, lets go see if that idiot friend of yours is done yet so we can discuss my

proposition."

Naruto and Gaara (actually just Naruto, Gaara was too busy laughing) had finally reassured Lee that bacteria had no families, no homes, lacked the capacity to think or feel pain, and most importantly (to Lee) they had no youthful spirits to be stolen. But while Lee was now happier, Naruto was not doing very well. As with all skin-care products, the acne-scrub took some time to be fully effective and Naruto's head was encased in a shell of linen and gauze to preserve the mental well-being of others and for his own protection. Now, it was finally time for Gaara to reveal his plans, or at least one of them.

He propped up his elbows on the table and leaned forward.

"I have been having problems as of late."

"Dude, I thought you'd **_always_** had problems." Naruto smirked and leaned back in his chair, thoroughly impressed with his own coolness."

"Shut up ugly."

Naruto glared at him "Fine. What kind of problems?"

"Let us just say that someone has stolen away what should be mine and I am thoroughly displeased."

Lee looked at him quizzically, "So someone stole your balls?"

Gaara gritted his teeth and was oh-so-tempted to indulge with no witnesses around. Fortunately for Lee, Gaara found his spandex too nauseating to kill, and decided to ignore and continue instead.

"What exactly it is that I have lost I cannot reveal in this location…"

"Why?" Lee was really beginning to enjoy this word.

"Because the walls have ears youth-for-brains."

When Lee and Naruto looked around the back room of the ramen stand in which they were gathered there were indeed ears mounted on boards around the room.

"Well I'm glad the guy who owned this place is dead, he must've been one hell of a freak."

"Agreed." Said Gaara and Lee together. Neither of them did anything for a few seconds from the shock of actually **_agreeing_** on something. Clearly this was either a sign of the Apocalypse, or a freak incident totally unrelated in every way (Let's go with the first one). Deciding to just ignore this little sign of divine intervention since they weren't Christian anyways, Gaara pressed on.

"The reason I want you two is to serve as my muscle, toughs, thugs, and all around minions. In return I will grant you three things, 1) your lives." He handed each of them a small piece of paper that read **"NARUTO/LEE'S LIVES. DO NOT HANDLE WITH CARE. THIS SIDE UP ↑."**

_Somehow I thought the physical manifestation of my life-force would at least be gift-wrapped…_ Thought Naruto. Lee had pulled out a marker and was coloring his green.

"2) A lollipop." He handed them each a lollipop of the variety you receive at banks which they immediately threw over their shoulders.

"And the third reward is my help with a problem of your choice." As the pairs eyes brightened with the thought of what they could achieve with Gaara's help he whispered "Terms and conditions apply, no purchase necessary, not valid in all shinobi villages, void where prohibited, see store for details." All in one breath and with just the right volume so that he could testify in court that he really had said it, that he was astonished they hadn't heard him, and that he deeply regretted their loss.

He sat back until they calmed down and then leaned forward once again. "Do we have a deal?"

They whispered together for about half a second before turning back to Gaara.

Naruto stood up and declared in a dignified and elegant voice: "I, the almighty Uzumaki Naruto, and the youthful man next to me, Rock Lee, have debated long and hard over the matter of your proposal and it is our great pleasure to say Hell Yeah! On all counts."

Gaara smiled, "Good, now we can go back to my lair- um, headquarters, and sign the paperwork."

Together they walked out of the ramen stand, stopping only to "liberate" the money from the corpse of the owner. Gaara called up a cloud of sand which they boarded and set off upon to Gaara's headquarters.

"Now my good little buffoons," he said while turning to face them. "The first rule of working for me is this. You are to call me "Sand Man" at all times."

"Why?" Lee was using his new favorite word again.

"That's the second rule. You will not ask me any questions until all of your paperwork is signed. But if you must know it makes me feel like a pimp."

"Now let's go, morons."

"Screw you bastard."

"What did I just tell you?"

Naruto sighed. "Screw you **_Sand Man_**."

Gaara smiled again and backhanded him.

"What the hell was that for Sand Man?"

"Don't ask questions."

With that last irritating response the cloud of sand jumped to hyperspace and was for just a millionth of a second an Indian Elephant. Right before they jumped however, Lee, Naruto and Gaara all had the same thought.

_This is gonna **suck…**_

**A/N: Just to start things off I'll say that I have a personal vendetta against Sony Online Entertainment™®© and all branches of the Sony™®© Corp. which is why I decided to add them in for a little fun (also I'm sorry If I horribly offended anyone with that "American Citizen" crack, but I'm American to you know, and we should learn to make fun of ourselves because someone else is going to anyways. It also helps that most of the time we deserve it :) ). If you read closely you'll get an idea of what they took from Gaara, and soon you'll find out why/how. More characters will show up in a few chapters, and then it'll get interesting. Thanks for reading and please review (I'll be happy even if you just type in the letter "g" so I know you're reading). Bye everyone, BLARG! (-Honk Honk from Red vs. Blue).**

**Secondary Disclaimer: I don't own Sony Online Entertainment****™®©**** because I despise them. They are a registered trademark/copyright/whatever of Sony****™®©**** Corp. All rights are reserved I guess.**


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